


The Worst Deception is to Deceive Yourself

by KliqzAngel



Series: Make Me Want You.  Want You to Make Me. [3]
Category: Leverage RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, BDSM, Dark fic, Dom!Jared, Dom/sub, M/M, Self Distructive Tendancies, Sub!Christian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-05-20 22:43:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6028189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KliqzAngel/pseuds/KliqzAngel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: Deception</p><p>If you’re trying to deceive even yourself, you should know there’s a problem.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Worst Deception is to Deceive Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> This series will be darker than what I usually write. All but one story came out in first person POV, which I don’t write much so I hope it came out alright. This is for an old prompt challenge over at Jared Chris on Livejournal.
> 
> This was written by someone (me) without experience in this type of relationship. I did do research, and speak with friends who do have experience in this world. I tried my best to be true to this type of relationship and not get too far out over my skis. I do understand abuse and BDSM are NOT the same thing. I tried very hard to make sure that while both are discussed in this series along with self destructive tendencies, that there was a difference.
> 
> Please no throwing stones. I won't enjoy it, and the series is old enough it won't change anything.

If I close my eyes, I can almost pretend that it’s you.

I’m not supposed to be here. I’m not supposed to be doing this. You forbid me. You think you know best. But you don’t understand. You can’t. If you did you would not have left me here. You would not have abandoned me. 

Abandonment, that’s what it is. That’s what it has to be. It’s the only way for me to justify what I am doing. To deceive myself.

I’ll do anything to justify what I am doing. I’m lying to you. I’m lying to myself. The worst thing is that it isn’t even enough. What I’m doing, what I’m getting isn’t enough, because it isn’t you and he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what I want; he doesn’t know what I need. He doesn’t know what buttons to push, and won’t let me tell him. Hell, to be honest I’m not sure I would even know what to tell him if he’d let me.

He isn’t you and this isn’t us and it isn’t going to work, but I can’t stop it. I can’t because I need it and I’ve come too far down the wrong road to turn around and start over. I’ve broken so many rules and I know you wouldn’t forgive me. I believe you wouldn’t forgive me. I don’t trust you would forgive me.

So I hide it all behind false anger and a big show of bravado and arrogance because I can’t admit to myself that I’m the one who is taking everything away from me. I’ve buried all this knowledge. This portion of me that knows all this is buried so far down that I don’t think I could ever find it. The other me is so strong I don’t know as I can ever break free from him.

Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe this is best. Maybe I don’t deserve anything else. Maybe I know exactly what I am doing because this is where I should be after all. Maybe I don’t need Jared. Maybe I just haven’t given the others enough of a chance. Maybe it’s all fool’s play. Maybe I am right where I belong. 

Somewhere in my head is Steve, which is an odd voice and explains why I disregard it. But, somewhere is Steve telling me that the worst deception is one where you not only deceive others, but you also deceive yourself.

Shouting for more I earn myself more punishment and dive headlong into my own deception.

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of several older fics that I have decided to post to AO3. They've resided for years on my personal archive, but I am thinking of getting rid of it. I want to make sure some of them are posted here. So, if you think you read this or some others I am posting over the next few days somewhere before... you probably have. They were also posted on LiveJournal.


End file.
